Commentators on this blog have asked whether the decision to separate from The Husband is a final one. Yes, it is. And also yes, I do not want to try any more. I think that while love and romance are very important for a relationship, at some point, there also has to be a decision: this is the person I want to be with. I will make a serious, serious effort here. I could not bring myself to make that decision, sad as it is.
It is all only a few days ago (four, to be precise). The Husband has been away at work, avoiding me. Which I can understand. Our daughter misses him. Small as she is, she knows that something is up. She keeps asking for her Papa, and she keeps telling me how good he is at making pancakes: Papa kann super Eierkuchen machen.
Laura wrote that "relationship problems are nothing compared to single-mother problems". That has had me thinking a lot, and I will admit that during the long lead-up to this separation, I have had thoughts like that: I will then be a single mother with a small daughter, no time and no going out ever again. Thoughts like that are no reason to stay together, though. And on reflection, I do beg to differ: I will be fine. The Husband will not permanently withdraw from his responsibility as a parent. I have wonderful friends. There are two sets of grandparents here in Dresden. I have a roommate. All in all, there is a finely woven net that holds me and my daughter, keeping us happy and making things possible that may be out of reach to the average single mother.
That said, I sleep badly. When I am on my own, I can't eat. I worry. But no, I don't waver.