Wednesday, November 24, 2004

A Thanksgiving Prayer... Please Dear Lord grant me patience this holiday. Help me to bite my tongue and only allow pleasant thoughts and comments to escape my lips. Regardless of how much my nerves are tested let me serve as a positive example for my children. Heavenly Father bless me with strength of will and character to get through this trying day with no hard feelings, headaches or pains in the ass. Help me to appreciate the "differentness" of my inlaws and grant me gratitude and thankfullness for my husband and children's sake. And regardless of how cold the food is by the time it is finally served after all the arguements let us all be thankfull for the sustenance provided and the hands that worked to produce it and the family that is able to gather to appreciate it. And most of all, dear God, please help me to get through this holiday, knowing that my father is not here to celebrate it. Each holiday this year is harder than the last knowing that he has left this earth forever, let me find the strength to appreciate what and who I have to celebrate these days with me and my family. Please bless me and my family with a happy, pleasant, peaceful day that we can trully be thankfull for. In Jesus Christ's heavenly name I pray, Amen.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Reasons to be thankfull aka I love my children...

It's so hard to understand how things like this can happen. Some people will read this and think that woman should die a horrible painful death. After Andrea Yates committed her horrible crime in 2001 I heard many people at my place of work spouting hatred towards her. All I could think was something must have been terribly wrong, this kind of thing doesn't just happen unless someone is very very very ill.

Post partum depression, especially when combined with other factors indicating serious mental illness, is a frightening thing to be faced with. We watch from the outside and wonder after something horrifying like this happens how it could go so far and no one know or recognize or understand that it could go this far. Imagine how bad it must be inside this woman's head. All I can think is there but for the grace of God go I.

I know mental illness intimately. I lost a loved one to it. I've spent my adolescence and most of my adulthood afraid it would take possession of my mind as well. You cannot predict it. And you can only fight it with medication that may or may not work and if it does work it may lose its effectiveness over time. It's tabboo. It's frightening. It's darkness is judged by the ignorant and informed alike. I cannot muster hate against these women. I only have compassion for her and her family.

I am so lucky to have the support system that I have in my mother, my stepmother, my sisterinlaw/best friend, and most of all my husband. When it all gets overwhelming I know I can hand my children over to them in confidence and take a breather for myself and return refreshed with a clearer outlook and renewed patience. Just because I am Mommy doesn't mean I have to do it all and do it by myself.

I thank God for a healthy mind, a strong family support system, a loving supportive appreciative husband and my beautiful children. I love my children, I love my children, I love my children...

Monday, November 22, 2004

Last Friday we attended our son's preschool thanksgiving program. Our blue-eyed beauty was feeling left out of the picture taking process and I couldn't have that. The baby slept through the whole process--not that he missed much as his big brother REFUSED to participate. After all it was not his idea and he's not about to follow along with a bunch of nit-wits doing something so silly that clearly was not his brilliant idea. Besides he's more likely to draw attention to himself in the sea of cute preschoolers if he's standing there making strange faces than if he blended in and sang and danced with the rest!

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Another pinup quiz!

You are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak
You're a famous beauty - with unique look
And the people like you are cultish about it

What Famous Pinup Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

What kind of PJs are you?

Another fun quiz at least for the girls. :)

The PJ's You Are Most Like: Underwear

You enjoy the simple things in life and aren't hard to please
You have an understated, easy sexyness that men love
And you're confident enough to pull it off - without being overbearing

What Kind of PJ's Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Random thoughts...

Great Ideas: I get the best ideas (ever!) in the middle of the night. Last night I was truly inspired about what to write in my blog. But of course after an additional two hours of sleep the idea has completely slipped my was that gggggreat!

What I am reading:

She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill. I have been reading this one so long you would think I would have finished it already. Guess I am just to angry...ahem, I mean busy to get it done.

Blue Dahlia by Nora Roberts. The love of my life bought this for me the night after I had my C-section. He knows my deep and abiding love for romance novels and my special reverence for the mistress of the Romance, Nora Roberts. I suspect he got it mostly though to protect himself and the nurses from being eaten alive due to my claustrophobic hatred of hospitals and having to rely on others for help.

The Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil. I haven't gotten to the core of the material yet so I am not feeling too guilty for what I just ate. Hey it was chocolate and it was a gift from the MOPS moms after I had the baby.

Random rantings on the children: had some wonderful, moving and hilarious stuff here. But I lost it and I'm not retyping it. I'm running late for my OBGYN doctor's appointment. Here's hoping the exam doesn't include anything internal this time.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

I've been found out...

And it has only taken a month and a half of my keeping this blog for my darling love to find out about it. It's not like I have been hiding it. I post to it often with him in the same room. I've repeatedly left my blog open on the desktop and there is a link to it on my links bar. Yet he's just now figuring it out. His powers of observation continuously amaze and thrill me.

But seriously with all love and affection, I am glad to have him aware and maybe even reading it. Who knows maybe it will give him a larger window of understanding into how I see things and my emotions. Not to say that I need this blog to communicate with my husband. That certainly is not the case. I am very blessed with an open, honest loving marriage based in friendship and the knowledge that we can always always be truthful with one another.

To be honest I am rarely able to express myself calmly in moments of extreme emotion unless its through writing. It's why I have always turned to journalling when I was at my most confused. Whether because I am sad or angry or euphorically happy, writing always helps me put things in perspective and find my grounding.

And speaking of writing and figuring things out... Today I started Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution. I am highly optimistic that through it's guidance and my journalling my progress I will be able to work through all the triggers that have sabotaged my weightloss and fitness goals my whole life. I know I can apply myself and lose weight. I just need the structure and guidance as well as the addressing of the emotional issues that have always halted my progress after initial successes.

I've set very specific goals that include more than just a weightloss number or size and put a timeline on them. As a result of what I have read and written so far I'm feeling positive and motivated to take action. I haven't even remotely been close to that place regarding my weight and a healthy lifestyle since my dad died last January.

It is really incredible how just when you are recovering from various major losses in your life and finally learning to cope the universe hits you with something so much more devistating than anything you have experienced before...and you realize that this time, no matter how much worse all of this may be, you don't have the luxury of losing yourself in the grief like you did before. You absolutely must pick yourself up and make yourself cope and move through the grief. Not only because you have a your young children to think of. After all they didn't ask for this or for mommy to lose her mind over it. And not just because you have your relationship with your husband to think of. He didn't bring this on himself and he deserves to have the woman he married, the mother of his children and his partner back. But because you have yourself to think of. And you deserve to be happy and to fulfill those roles you always wanted to fill.
It's hard to believe I am posting a picture of me like this but here I am. This was right after my C-section on October 28th with my beautiful baby boy--who by the way is keeping me up alot these days. He's teamed up with his older brother and sister to torment their father and I with lack of sleep. By the way, how is it possible that I look like I have lipstick on? Wish my lips looked like that all the time...

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

3 hours of sleep...

I haven't been posting because quite simply I am exhausted. I'm not sure when I will have the energy or motivation to form a coherent thought here. My mind literally feels numb. I guess thats what 3-4 hours of hit and miss sleep yet still having to deal with the household chores and the children's needs will do.

Ah, how I remember the days when I could pull an all nighter and still run full out the next day. My days of functioning on five hours of sleep or less are long past along with my be truthful those days passed along about the time I hit 23. I feel about as old as I always thought 31 was when I was a kid. HA!