Thursday, November 18, 2004

I've been found out...

And it has only taken a month and a half of my keeping this blog for my darling love to find out about it. It's not like I have been hiding it. I post to it often with him in the same room. I've repeatedly left my blog open on the desktop and there is a link to it on my links bar. Yet he's just now figuring it out. His powers of observation continuously amaze and thrill me.

But seriously with all love and affection, I am glad to have him aware and maybe even reading it. Who knows maybe it will give him a larger window of understanding into how I see things and my emotions. Not to say that I need this blog to communicate with my husband. That certainly is not the case. I am very blessed with an open, honest loving marriage based in friendship and the knowledge that we can always always be truthful with one another.

To be honest I am rarely able to express myself calmly in moments of extreme emotion unless its through writing. It's why I have always turned to journalling when I was at my most confused. Whether because I am sad or angry or euphorically happy, writing always helps me put things in perspective and find my grounding.

And speaking of writing and figuring things out... Today I started Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution. I am highly optimistic that through it's guidance and my journalling my progress I will be able to work through all the triggers that have sabotaged my weightloss and fitness goals my whole life. I know I can apply myself and lose weight. I just need the structure and guidance as well as the addressing of the emotional issues that have always halted my progress after initial successes.

I've set very specific goals that include more than just a weightloss number or size and put a timeline on them. As a result of what I have read and written so far I'm feeling positive and motivated to take action. I haven't even remotely been close to that place regarding my weight and a healthy lifestyle since my dad died last January.

It is really incredible how just when you are recovering from various major losses in your life and finally learning to cope the universe hits you with something so much more devistating than anything you have experienced before...and you realize that this time, no matter how much worse all of this may be, you don't have the luxury of losing yourself in the grief like you did before. You absolutely must pick yourself up and make yourself cope and move through the grief. Not only because you have a your young children to think of. After all they didn't ask for this or for mommy to lose her mind over it. And not just because you have your relationship with your husband to think of. He didn't bring this on himself and he deserves to have the woman he married, the mother of his children and his partner back. But because you have yourself to think of. And you deserve to be happy and to fulfill those roles you always wanted to fill.